Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
wtf management?!
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
hackers play passwordle
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When he asks for feet pics
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me