I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
men what’s stopping you from looking like this