Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no