AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
wow
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!