6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
You Might Also Like
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?