Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
#SuperBowl
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.