I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.