Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I think this cat is broken
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.