imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away