5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
how high up are we talkin’?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out