“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
She puts the hot in psychotic
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.