@JulieSnark

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@JulieSnark

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@JulieSnark

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.