*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.
See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.