A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Breaking news:
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.