when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.