Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.