What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
this was the best i’ve ever seen
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.