Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note