They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself