Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you