My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.