[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you