It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I triple waxed for this?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.