School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
One venti cheeseburger please.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president