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Page of JustMeTurtle's best tweets

@JustMeTurtle : Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

@JustMeTurtle: Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

@JustMeTurtle: Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

@JustMeTurtle: I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

@JustMeTurtle: What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

@JustMeTurtle: Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

@JustMeTurtle: OMG you guys!! I have abs







...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@JustMeTurtle: If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@JustMeTurtle: I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

@JustMeTurtle: Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*