@JustMeTurtle

[Time of Creation]
God: And give thumbs to the humans that they may build many wondrous things.
Angel: Thumbs, Great idea boss

[2018]
God: *Looks at Twitter
God: *Slaps forehead
God: Remind me, next time no thumbs.
Angel: k

@JustMeTurtle

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

@JustMeTurtle

I was driving in my car, talkin’ to myself when Siri rudely interrupted to say “I’m not sure I understand”. I don’t understand me either, Siri, I don’t understand me either.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

@JustMeTurtle

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

@JustMeTurtle

Sometimes you just want a movie that you don’t need to pause when ya leave the room, thanks Adam Sandler.

@JustMeTurtle

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

@JustMeTurtle

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

@JustMeTurtle

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

@JustMeTurtle

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.