@JustMeTurtle: Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
@JustMeTurtle: What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
@JustMeTurtle: Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
@JustMeTurtle: OMG you guys!! I have abs
...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
@JustMeTurtle: If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
@JustMeTurtle: I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
@JustMeTurtle: Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*