I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]