Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
You Might Also Like
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Ummm
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”