A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
They say women only use 10% of their anger
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.