waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
OMG 🤣🤣
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.