Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”