I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”