If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”
..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.
And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
I need a draft folder for my mouth.
Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.