*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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Well, shit
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?