[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too