“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You Might Also Like
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Holy crap this is wonderful
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”