Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.