ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.