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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.