I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.