Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.