If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
You got this…
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen