I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Cow it started Cow it’s going
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.