A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
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I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Close call…
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
no one likes gloating
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I can’t wait!
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.