Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that