What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.