I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M
I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’
“I dropped the ball”
– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you
Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”