Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Awwwww shit.
I can fix him.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral