Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Moms. The original autocorrect.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My Sentiments Exactly
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.