#JohnTravolta
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Customer is always right
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?