Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
When someone trying to leave me
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.