Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.