Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.